July 1st. This is a sad and lonely day. People saying that the news couldn't get any worse, with the banning of Digimon, Superman scandals, and various other problems, now have something even more crushing to deal with: Ash Ketchum is dead.
During the filming of Season 11 for the hit reality show Pokemon, Team Rocket hatched a new plan. Rather than build a copy-right-infringing giant robot, submarine, or weapon, or fly in by Hot Air Balloon, they would actually just capture Pikachu. In the middle of the night, they snuck up wearing rubber suits, picked up Ash's Pikachu, and ran away giggling. Ash, Dawn, and Brock had spent a long day hiking. They were simply too tired to wake up when Team Rocket struck. When they did, Team Rocket quickly reappeared, announcing that they had given Pikachu to their boss, and they had won.
Ash, distraught, confused, and embarrassed that Team Rocket had actually captured his yellow rodent, released his new Piplup and slit his wrists with its sharp beak. Our beloved hobo-turned-actor died at the age of 10 before paramedics could reach him.
Ash was the son of his mother, and Professor Oak. He was kidnapped at the age of 2, and raised to be a master hobo, before being returned at the age of 10 to start his quest.
Professor Oak gave him a Pikachu, which was then injected with magical steroids, making it the best Pokemon known to mankind. Team Rocket, witnessing its ability to shock ground type pokemon and level cities, knew that they needed it.
Ash made many friends on his journeys, at a rate of about one per episode. Which means that as of now, Ash had 851 friends. He slew himself on the first episode of season 11, and his bloody death was caught on tape. It will be aired at his funeral, and on America's Funniest Home Videos.
People had many things to say about Ash. For example, Misty laughed her butt off when she heard that he died. Brock said that he was glad that Ash was dead, and even plans to get a tattoo of himself dancing on Ash's grave imprinted on his arm, and a message stating "Ash Ketchum 1997 - 2007. You will not be missed". McCauley Culkin will be playing Ash for the remainder of season 11, which will begin airing on March 14th, 2008. Brock announced his retirement from the show, and a replacement is currently being searched for. Rumors say that it will probably be Samuel L. Jackson.
Ash's funeral will be on July 8th. It will be open casket, and will be attended by a wide variety of guests, including incumbent Pokemon League Champions Lance, Steven, and Cynthia, the Elite 4 members from Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, and Sinnoh, Sinbad, Chuck Norris, and Super Mario. Ash had requested that it take place in Kansas, but that will be impossible, as they have banned Evolution, which means no Pikachus (They evolve from Pichu, remember?). Instead, it will take place in Iowa, since Ash often entertained himself saying it.
Team Rocket has been arrested for multiple counts of theft, indecent exposure, copy-right infringement, littering, malpractice, impersonating a doctor, impersonating a law enforcement official, assault, hijacking small aircraft, and appearing in an illegal Yakuza fighting match. They pleaded innocent, but since all of their misdeeds have been captured on tape and aired on television, the trial won't take long. Had the trial taken place in Britain, the two would be given a light warning and a bottle of champagne.
Pikachu was returned to Ash's Mom, along with Ash's hat and left glove.
