AarinOthers

uhm I know.. I used to skip a lot of sexual education class.. not cause I dont like to hear about sex, but cause from my late class we had been seperated and refern to as guy and girls.. and I was scared that would happent again..

I thought it was so wrong.. me as in a girl group talking about girl thing, and guys.. and specially that period I only liked girls.. so it was just opesite of everything good for me..
well.. im okay with it now cause the time I got it there havent been anything like girl or guy it have been pretty equal sure they tell about girls and guys but they dosent do it like your the girls and your the guys.

but I diffrently prefern to tell the true. but somethimes im also you know scared, to stand up for myself..

Well, there's always these questionnaires, where I have to say if I'm a girl or a guy. And on my bad days, I get upset because of that. If I had the courage, I'd draw my own box and write "both" or "niether" or something, and then tick that one. But I don't feel secure enough. I doubt myself at times, Wondering why I never knew. Wondering who I am. Because, in the end, there's so much. So many feelings, so many things I don't know what to do about. How to act... And worries.

It's not like I can clearly say "I'm both girl and guy", because the feeling is so vague. It's just a very, very vague feeling mostly, and I don't know what to make of it. I know that only girl is wrong, and only guy is wrong. This insecurity... It's so annoying.

At times, I just want to shout "no, I'm not just a girl!", and some days, I hide behind the easiness of calling myself one. I've told some people, and most of them think it's okay. They don't mind. But I find that telling people IRL is so much different, and so difficult. I mean, I just... I don't know. *sigh*

I guess this is such a random post, but... I really feel like crap. I don't know what to do, because it's all so difficult.

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Okay, am adding this after having slept, so...

I had a dream last night, and once again, I was being chased. I was in this enormous building made out of mostly steel. In the beginning I was a girl, and I ran, and I ran... I ran past people in gunfights, people occupied with random stuff... a lot of things. And I ran in panic, because I knew that those who were chasing me would eventually catch up with me. And then, as I ran up a few stairs, a bright light caught me, and threw me outside, through a thin opening in the wall, and I ended up on a large plaza in the middle of a city. I woke up, being a guy, knowing I was a prostitute, and I wondered why I was lying on the street, sore, tired... When a while limousine drove by, a few guys inside, and as they drove by, I suddenly knew they were past clients. I ended up walking around aimlessly, confused, wondering where I was.

I seriously have such weird dreams. I often, often dream that I'm a girl being chased, then in the end of the dream, I'm a guy, all of a sudden...

uhm.. I dream I was as I am now.. trans just in my class.. and then there was a new teacher, I just said I wanted to cut my hair, maybe like one of my old classmates who out of sudden was in class.. and she said.. no I think you should have it longer,
so you look more girly, and I got so angry but said nothing.. it was one of these many dreams I got.. I also dreamed I heard from a guy there was a new law so I could get on homones now even thought I was not 18 yet.. I got pretty happy and just thought I wanted it pretty fast, I kinda wanted as once but then I thought about my name and chanced that maybe it was better to do the name thing first..
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I in a way feel it more easy to be transexual than genderqueer cause I just more this and that.. you know..
but I also somethimes get kinda confussed myself.. I feel im a guy by soul but i know im girl by body. im not really that masculine, I like being sissy but i also like being manly..
i kinda just want to be myself and somethimes you just tired of gender confussed, one of it is myself another is kinda the fuss other makes..

a guy on the net sayd: well im maybe your trans but for me your just a sweet gay guy..
=).. I was pretty happy for that..
i was pretty happy for that, wish all guys could just be like that..

it also strange cause in a way.. I dont feel like "transexual" you know it not like im such a manly guy, I am tomboyish but it not like im this masculine type..
im pretty girly somethimes, and I just know it would have been more easy for me to be like that so somethimes I just think how it been if I just got back..

but I try it a lot of times where I been kinda testing myself.. taking my towel around imaginate it as a dress, thinking myself like that.. I just turn more and more boyish untull im like im now.. I kinda feel scared of being a girl.. it not like I fell so much as a guy I dont think about it.. but if people trow me into the gender role as a girl i just kinda become sad, if people just threat me as a guy I feel better or just feel normal??

people think it really unnatural but it just natural for me..? dont know why it like that..
in a way I should just be happy I can be allowed already now to be so boyish.. but sadly I dont think I easy pass for a guy anymore.. I dont know maybe it my voice?

well i have a trouble with my name as it is now it only my mom who know, she dont want to call my by the name I choice, I kinda thought so, insted she want to call me by a middle name I choice who really simular to my real name, she try remember it.. or..
she try saying a nick name who more close to the name.. neither my dad call me by it or know about the name stuff..
and now I think about it im not sure about the name..
I kinda been in the middle with my name.. my name I choice was realy diffrent but in a way my girl name not just sure it the right either. and I am not sure if I can live with that as famely name or if i really want my mom to call me something complitely diffrent..
it been worryed me laterly cause im soon gonna chance it so im gonna make up my mind and I thought I had but now it seam pretty strange..
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he was in germany here for some days ago, became really sick after getting home but that another story, I only had 2 gender issues.. my dad calling me she to some stranger, it just bothering me.. but sure I didnt said anything..

and well.. on the farry I went to the toilet, my dad want me to go into the ladys room and I dont I just thought f** that..
I went to the guys room while my dad wasnt there, but they where all used, took they handicap toilet like wtf also in use, and went to the ladies room like..
(who care a toilet is a *** toilet.. why making a big deal over where I do it or not)
but people seam to do.. cause as I walk out there was a lady over me who got like..
"there was a girl in the guys room, I just thought she was going to get some paper.."
I didnt knew if she talk about me or someone ells, but I been angry anyway..
who care.. a man who made stand up once said:
"I go to the toilet I want to I mean it a f*** toilet, but they girls dont like it, and then I say well you can also go to the boys toilet if you want. but they say it diffrent for girls like.. NO cause you pee on the seat.. yeah but we also do that on the boys toilet.."

XD complitely how I feel XD I dont get why people are making such a big thing out of it.. like if I even pass as a guy I would also get into trouble going to the girls room right..
and if I get into guys room I also get into trouble..
people are like "but what if you see there *** they might fell embarrased"

it not like im gonna see them naked, and it not like that was im looking at,
and just cause im trans and bi it dosent turn me on watching guys peeing..

Well, dreams can be odd at times. I've mostly come to terms with the ones I have, but some are plain horrible...
Hm, a law like that... It would be interesting, to say the least!

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Hm, I think maybe it can be easier to be transsexual than being genderqueer, because it might mean another kind of "security" in knowing who you are.

Yes, some guys are just awesome, and very accepting and say. It's a shame that not everyone is like that. I have a friend who says she thinks I'm more girl than i believe and stuff, but at the same times, she's okay with me being confused all the time, and she's like "Well, you are you, and that's the only thing that matters"... You know, stuff like that.

but if people trow me into the gender role as a girl i just kinda become sad, if people just threat me as a guy I feel better or just feel normal??

I really recognize that feeling! but for me, if people threw me in the "guy" category, I wouldn't be comfortable, but more comfortable than if people assume I'm a girl.

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As for toilets... Fortunately, I'm okay with going to the ladies room, however, I sometimes wish I could go to the men's room instead. just because the ladies room feel wrong. That one of the reasons I like my school... At some places, there are just neutral toilets. Which is really good... It's too bad that the neutral toilets is somehow the most yucky ones. >_>

There are days when certain labels just don't fit me, and I get frustrated.

then go to the males room..
if someone complain then say.. "why do you care where I pee?"
I dont think people can give a good answere cause it just lame... XD
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well I dont really find it unconfortable being a guy, only if I have to be some kind of seriotype manly guy to be a guy where it just not me..

or if I feel like lying.. I somethimes feel a bit bad if I say to someone im a male, but I also feel it wrong saying im a girl..
luckely there pretty many people who know im trans. but sure there always exeptions..

mostly I just want to be a normal guy and be threated like that..

I had a issue with my ex for some time ago..
I was calling him and I could hear there where a lot of guys there..

and they was pretty noise, dont know what they where doing, but they where just ask like who are you talking to? is it a girlfriend? is it your mother?
and he was like NO it not..

and then they go like.. is it a girl- friend?
and he said yes..
and we just end the conversation pretty fast..

I he called me again and I was like.. why you said that im your female friend im not!..

and he said I dont know if I should tell you guys about the thing with you.
"is your scared you will get in trouble?"
"no im scared you will"
"who care I dont know them anyway how should that happent"
"if you get to the party you talked about" (seam like im not going)

well.. I guess it might have been just as a good meaning but I still like nervous..
I mean I dont like if he want to keep me as a secret not even if it for my own sake..
and if he really gonna lie then why didnt he tell me I was his friend.. well it not a lie but still what should the diffrent be being a friend and a girl- friend..
I just feel kinda worried cause I dont know what he think.. for a reason he been one of the guy who most accepting for me.. he even call me he" and by my male name, somethimes, and I haven hide from him about how it is..
so I feel kinda nervous

he not the out of closet type.. the diffrent bettween him and me is pretty much he can do a lot of things. people will always think him as straight.. pretty much..
for me I always got suspected that I might be gay, lesbian, trans whatever and I really dont want to hide it..
well just wanted to tell..
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and yeah.. but somethimes I been thinking like if I am genderqueer cause im not so manly, and I kinda accepted the fact I wont get a 100% male no matter what..
I gonna be pre-up transexual.

but well.. for a reason I dont like being female, it like if people said they could curre my sickness in a way then I would refuse? cause just thinking of me as female make me sick?
it wierd world heh.

I kinda also somethimes get a little unconfortable with wathicng some tomboys or stuff.. not cause I dont like them I love tomboys, but it like it remind me like.. well you could be female tomboys if you want.. and this kind of thoughts freak me out..
kinda make me scared

I think I understand why he would want to protect you, so to say. It is, after all, a pretty messed up world we live in, and there are a lot of people who think that people who aren't the "straight stereotype" are sick... And some are violent, unfortunately.
But well, if you really don't want him to lie for your sake, maybe getting a good, thorough talk would help. But I don't know, really... It's a thin line to walk, the question about telling/not telling other people.
I think though, that he won't mind if you bring it up that you're nervous. Most people don't want their partners to worry.

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Well, I often don't know what I am. I know that I am some ways, and act some ways sometimes. I just can't say I was meant to be a gay guy, and I can't say I was meant to be a straight girl. I know that when I feel like a guy, I sometimes feel like... quite manly. And sometimes I feel like the stereotypical, girly uke-type xD It's just not consistent. It's like sometimes I'm feeling like a manly girl, or a girly girl, or a girly guy, or a manly guy. And that's confusing, 'cause I never know what to expect, and also, I'm thinking "maybe I'm just imagining this" and that scares me, because I want it to be real, even if it scares and confuses me.

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Back to the toilets again! xD
Sometimes at school, like when I get there really early, I sometimes want to go in there, just to see what it feels like. Because in the mornings, there are barely people at school at all... Though that would mean I need to get there an hour before school starts. It's like... I don't know. I think there would be a lot of strange stares if I walked right into the mens room when there are a lot of people around, and I'm not sure I could give a good reply.
It's like... well, I wouldn't know how to react at all.

well.. what I did was.. I just looked at the girls and girls room.. like I want to go into the guys room but if anyone see me I get kicked.. it was on a school trip for the museum.. and I got into the girls room and they where no toilet free.. I go like arg daim..

then I go into the guys room where there 1 free, close the door do what I do go out and
HOLLY there my classmate wathing his hands, this really big guy, who can say shitty things if he want.

and he go like what the f** are you doing this is the boys room..
and I say.. all the toilets on the girls room where already taken..

and then he say "you know I just think it cool, I mean it just a toilet why make a big deal out of it.."

hehe I guess it was one of my first time for the toilet thing..
but well wha you do is just go right in, dont look at people find one who free and close the door.. if people look strange at you or stuff then dont give a daim.. I guess people also skeptical about it but there just old fashion there will always be guys like that..
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and well I guess so he also said like he didnt like to tell his friend cause on his school they didnt seam to be so openminded, there where okay with bisexual but beside that he said it was like.. if you where diffrent then you easy got out of the group..

but still.. I dont want him to lie for me.. I dont want anyone to lie and like I dont exits.. if people are cold in there ** then they must be, if people think im a freak it there problem.. but dont lie and just to get out of the problem.. it not me there the problem if they dont like me then it them who the problem..
that what make me angry, )=(.. it not worth it to lie, I could also just stop saying the guy stuff, and just go be a girl then I would not getting into these mess.. but I cant..
I kinda live the troublesome life so now im going to take the trouble even thought i dont like I dont have a choice..
and yeah I know about this bad guy, but I know about them since I was small so I have been used to the thought.. you can just hope the best, im not going to let them stop me
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and yeah I talked to him a bit about it, but I kinda feel I want to talk more to him.. I mean.. somethimes I also get worryed like if he more in love with me as a girl than as a guy.. I always been making it clear he was in gay relationship, and it wasnt like it was so straight either I mean.. he couldnt teel at school then he would be notice for being gay you know.. "yeah they would actually make him gay if he falled in love with me cause a lot of them already know I fell like a guy and stuff"
and I also like ask him if he still would be with me even thought I go become 100% guy
sure i cant be 100% but it the meaning who coint and he said yes..

(it was actually kinda funny, like imaginate this kind of romantic scene were we like.. "well if I go become 100% guy and chance my body and such would you still like me? and find me atteractive?.. " and he go like "well you still have you ass?"
!!! NO that wasnt what I meant!!!! arg screw you!!!) LOL XD
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but well even thought he said he pretty straight acting guy. before he got together with me he denyed me and said he only liked girls, but acter getting together with me he said he might be a bit bi.. he have read a bit yaoi but not so much into it.. and even thought he think he guy I never heard him be together with another guy than me.. or in some way been interesting.. well there been a guy flirting with him where he felt charmed but he havent you know.. as far I heard been in other gay relationships than me.. so it kinda worry me you know.
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well I guess I also have time like that.. and guess a lot of people have..
I mean even thought im me i somethimes feel nerdy, somethimes I feel crazy, somethimes I feel like a little kid who just want to play and cut class, and somethimes I feel like a old man. somethimes I feel really sissy and gay and somethimes I feel like a real many guy, and somethimes I just me.. youknow..

I guess even thought it like that it pretty normal people have many sides..
I mean if you just this person with a lot of sides then just be..
I know this guy.. he can be like an angel when he happy but when he mad he like the devil.. he can really chance his personalety like another person.. youknow..
I think if your just this mix of mess then just be be girly when you feel like be manly when you feel like^^
like eating chokolte when you feel like, and eat healthy when you feel like
it your life so just do what you want..

Well, some people are okay with going to the guys room... But some will get annoyed. And I don't particularly like to pick fights... If possible, I try to avoid conflicts. but I do have a short temper if provoked enough, so it might turn out bad.

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Too bad about people that aren't very openminded... I have friends who are quite accepting, fortunately. But I am often pretty... Unsure about being open. It's like... Well, some people might say "you are just confused" or "it's just a phase" or things like that. And that bothers me. I don't want to hear that I'm temporarily sick or something.

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Well, if you want to talk more, then I think you should do it. There's nothing to lose, really. From what you just wrote, I'd say he seems a pretty decent guy

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Aw, I can see why you're worried. maybe try tell him that you're worried, and that you want him to just honestly say it, just once, what he thinks? To be sure? but I don't know, so... don't trust me to much, ok? I'm not really good at relasionships and stuff like that.

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Hm, well, I guess you could just say it's many different sides of the same person... It's all me, so... No side is untrue.

I dont neither to be honest I am a really sensetive person I get pretty easy sad... just for small stuff..

but somethimes people should just keep there mind on there own busines.. I mean as long your not doing anything who hurthing other then I dont think they have the right to complain.. if they say then dont want you 2 **** here, then there just pretty ignorent..

to he honest.. I dont know if I been pass for a guy and that why but I never been into trouble while going to the toilet.. I been founding guys I knew there where I been scared out of my mind, or having trouble about wating a long time cause there one was 1 seat toilet so had to wait a lot cause I cant just stand and pee..

and problems like that..

but the biggest problem have been when people get problem about it ilke.. you shouldnt go to the boys room.. but I dont care.. I find it redicilous it should be anything wrong.. with that..
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and yeah I really hate the that just a prase thing.. i also kida got this..
but I dont really get it anymore cause I got a lot of guys who know me for years or since I was a kid.. and they know it just been like that so they know it not just a praise..

when I told a women who had work on my club since I was a kid she just said well that just how you always been..

I think first people are a little okay? and dont know much about it but after they learn me they also see it not going away.. it not just something I do right here and now and I also done it a long time before.. youknow..
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im a bit shy talking about it.. so when I bring up the topic I do it like saying "you know I see myself as a guy.."
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well.. sure there might be trouble but I think you can do it.. I have survived untull now.. but sure it should be no secret it not without problems..-__- always.. on the other hand it better to be who you are than just be someone you dont think you are..
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well.. I think your right i should have a talk to him.. hehe.. guess I should call my dad first then and make him put up some money on my phone..
I kinda want to know what going round in his heard.. now I also heard he got a gf.. I never knew, but the guy not sure if there still girlfriends.. I once ask him but he said there where no one.. im not sure if he lied or just didnt have anyone in that moment but I kinda feel I want to know how and about..
I just want to be sure I can trust him..
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arg.. I been lazy having doing anything.. I was surposed to talk about my dad and stuff about the name chancing but have I done it.. NO have have told no one..
to be honest I have a bit fuss about the name.. cause I know I should be called Tony but my mom pretty much dont like the name and want to have me call another name so I made up a famely name but now out of sudden im just not sure if it the right famely name or if I just want my mom to accept me as tony.. I am not so sure what to do and it kinda make me angry and stressed... I only have some mounts left to deside it.. I really do want to make my name chance for summer vacation.. when I first thought so I been sure but now im not just sure.. about the famely name.. im sure about the first name just not the famely.. I guess I need to talk to some people and think a bit..